Scrolling through my social media last week, I stumbled upon the following quote: ‘I like to be alone. Nobody can hurt you.’ At first, I agreed, yet afterwards it left me thinking. It is indeed true until it gets lonely, until you start hurting yourself with crumbling worrisome thoughts. The kind of thoughts we all encounter at a certain point. Some of us just can’t keep them out of our heads. They’re heavy and burdensome. At first, they’ll meet you during night time and bit by bit they’ll make themselves more present, more frequent. They’ll turn from grey to gruesome, daunting.
You are not enough. You are stupid, ugly, gross. Your personality is repulsive. And so on.
The veracity of those statements does not matter. The voices in your head keep telling you that it’s true. You end up believing it. And the loneliness just adds up. Near isolation and loneliness sometimes make you become estranged from compliments. From time to time, you may feel deprived of your own soul. You need to look at yourself again in the mirror, to remind yourself of your name that comes so infrequently pronounced around you, to know that you actually exist.
It does feel like a desert island. You wonder where you are and what is happening around you. You feel empty, lifeless.
Digression — Life’s a funny game. Some seem to have it all, whilst others, besides having not extremely dysfunctional lives, get to know what bliss and success are. Of course, at times, I envy them. I am entrapped, already attempted at getting out of this trap many times before, but in the end I’ve always failed. I wish it was easier to get over all the sh*t that has occurred around me these past years. I am sick of it all. In this moment, the hardships I have been through make me exhausted rather than thankful for the lessons. In this very moment, I am ungrateful. — End of digression.
Sometimes, I wish I had one person by my side to remind me of the positivity that emanates from my being. Someone to point out my qualities or the quirks of mine they like. But I haven’t got that one person that would stand next to me at all cost. But I know that during those dark times we all deserve to have one caring being by our side.
I have not anyone that knows the real me, not anyone that knows what I’ve endured. Like any other human being, I need my strengths to be acknowledged. Perhaps someday this time will come. I am a mere being longing to break free. All I have is my pencil, numerous grayish notebooks and some writing to enlighten my day. And thus I write. I write for myself, poems with words I wish people told me or words I love. I write for others in hope of inspiring them, wishing they want to get to know the real me. In hope that someone reads, that someone relates. And sometimes, I wish my writing was more positive, less shady than this piece I’m currently writing.
So this is for you. The you that is lonely, scarred, exhausted. The you that may spend New Year’s Eve on your own. The you that wishes you had somebody by your side.
I am by your side every night you spend overthinking, crying, feeling like you’re missing out. I am by your side when you feel embarrassed to sit alone at a table. I am by your side when you feel like crying out your incomprehension to the world. I am by your side when you’re feeling empty and when you feel like you’re noticing the world falling apart. Truth is I might well be doing the same. My world may be falling apart too and my being may feel like it’s being crushed. I too know those emotions, those petrifying thoughts, these companionless moments. I too want someone to understand me. And I understand you. I too want them to be over, to go away and never come back. And I wish all the same for you. More than hoping, I pray that you find the comfort you need to go through these troubling times of loneliness. I wish for you to find the strength that’s hidden inside your very soul to make it through. I beseech the sky that it all passes promptly, yearning for the pain to break the shell. Because I know it all too well.
And I hope that 2017 is better for all of us.
music is for when no words can be found…
- Some Days, Jamestown Story
- How You Learn To Live Alone, Jamestown Story
- Sunrise, Our Last Night
- Astronaut, Simple Plan
Apologies for this massive, disorganized flow of thoughts (which I’m absolutely not proud of in terms of writing style) and overly negative rant!
+ a thank you note to all of my readers