I Am A Ticking Bomb

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These smiles are the corroboration of years of learning while observing in the background.

When I entered university a few months ago, I was dreaming of new beginnings and beautiful opportunities. Soon, it turned out to be awful and the number of lonely days I already encountered in high school became prominent. With loneliness came anger and sadness, and a seemingly profound hatred towards university appeared. I had always loved studying, during the tough high school years it had been a huge part of what kept me going. Under such a new pressure, however, I felt disempowered. Skipping numerous hours of class this year was never intentional. I only wish they knew.

I wish they knew how hard mornings can be and how they can turn into despicable days. I wish they knew what it truly feels like to wake up one morning and feel like giving up, even when the night before has been incredibly warm and joyful. But they do not know. They have no idea what it is like to go to bed at night, feeling a growing hole in the heart, feeling sad and not being able to pinpoint what’s wrong. They don’t know how it is to fall asleep and wake up with that very same gloomy feeling of despair. I really wish they knew.

I wish that when I wrote this note explaining that I felt out of place at university, reading it on social media people, including my own siblings, would have taken my words for what they really were: some sort of cry for help. I did not intend to write a beautiful piece, all I wanted was to be honest. And yet, people merely read it as a quote of some length on melancholy.

I wish that when I tried to talk to my mother about attending a journalism school, rather than waiting two more years to get a Bachelor’s degree, she would have understood that I was not being whimsical. I just hate(d) university. This place contributes to my downfall. I wish that when I missed a few courses someone would’ve asked me if I was all right. I wish that people cared.

When I skip classes it is not out of laziness. I am losing my strength. As the academic year comes to an end, I feel exhausted. Three weeks seem unbearable. Last year, I had acquaintances to hold on to. Now, I have no one at all. It feels harsh, disempowering, insignificant. University has turned me into this ghostly person meandering around, going from point A to point B without bearing any goals in mind.

I am sorry I did not realize that a whole week had passed and I have not moved from my bed.

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Those four bleak walls surrounding me, I wish they would break. They would fade away as if they never existed. It would never be dark again.

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These two past years, having done plenty of introspective work on myself, I have come to realize something which would seem quite daunting to some but which actually is very honest. Having encountered some personal struggles with my family ever since my early years, I had always held on to an optimistic and cheerful stand. When I came to realize that there was a darkness in me, it didn’t make sense. I had always tried to look at the positive and turn down any kind of negative thoughts, even negative energy around me had an impact on me I despised..

 

On the other hand, I succeeded in being fully honest with myself and some people. Those plain yet harsh truths to speak although they did not go voiced out but written came to a certain light. And that was an accomplishment. Even though the hands I wish reached out to me did not, putting myself into such a spotlight was brave accordingly with all the fears I had kept inside about it. And deep down, I know that this does not revolve around university only.

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More than being stuck, I feel as though I am a ticking time bomb. I have no idea when it’s going to go off. I can sense the ever-growing pressure inside of me. Bottling up one’s feelings and being overly in control, where is that ever going to end up? Somehow, I wish it would explode already because the carried weight is more despicable and distressing than the hypothetical blow-up itself. I am longing for that release. Mastering the art of controlling, I have become a ticking bomb. Someone unreasonably fearful of outcomes and yet yearning for the buttons to be pressed, for the bomb to explode. I am willing to stop hiding.

 

.We just never know when it’s going to go off. And those smiles are definitive proof why so many bombs go unnoticed.


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24 thoughts on “I Am A Ticking Bomb

  1. I can definitely relate to your story. My first year off to college was great. I moved back home sophomore year and enrolled in a local university. I struggled to find my passion and felt burnt out trying to fix friendships/relationships that were dead. There were days where I would skip class because I didn’t have the energy to go or just felt agitated by everyone around me. Now each day I try to focus more on self-care and my interests.

  2. I felt the same in university. That was when I first started to sink into depression, skip classes, not care enough to take care of myself. It was years after slogging my way through a four year degree that I finally did explode and my life turned inside out by facing my mental illness. Seek help early, before that bomb goes off; you don’t need to hit bottom before you start climbing. All the best. Xo
    Seaofblues.wordpress.com

  3. I know exactly what you’re talking about especiallybeing sad without being able to pinpoint why. I once didn’t leave my room for a week because I couldn’t get myself out of bed. All I did was sleep night and day. Thanks for sharing. I now use words to convey what my voice can’t. Blogging, even for the short time I’ve been doing it has finally made me feel like I have voice.
    https://onlyindreamssite.wordpress.com

    1. Thank you for sharing a bit of your story. I absolutely understand what you mean by that. Having a place to be able to let it out is freeing.

  4. Many, many years ago, I experienced an early episode of depression while in college. There were therapists available to students at little to no charge, and it helped to see one. You seem like a really sensitive and perceptive young woman, and I wonder if you might be having a similar experience. If so, please find someone who understands to talk to. Writing and blogging are great outlets, but talking with another human being who understands what you’re going through can provide a vital face-to-face connection. Good luck with journalism. It was a wonderful career for me!.

    1. Thank you for your concern. You’re absolutely right, face-to-face connection is vital. Thanks so much for your encouragement! Regards.

  5. I’m going through this right now, I’m half way through my bachelors as a mature age student and I feel so out of place at university. My main barrier is self doubt, and my social anxiety. I so badly want to learn and succeed but my mind can be a real jerk sometimes.

    How are you coping these days at uni?

    1. I’m so sorry to hear this. It really sucks. Well, for now I’ve decided to take a year off and do some voluntary work in the meantime, hoping it makes me grow somehow. What about you?

      1. I did something similar, I withdrew from university in the middle of semester to see how I would feel after. I didn’t feel confident enough so, I deferred another semester.

        My next semester is due to start in about 4 weeks, and unfortunately I still am not confident about it. Really feeling the pressure…

        I hear volunteer work can be really rewarding and helpful as it puts you out there. Do you have any particular area you would like to work in?

      2. I understand. I switched my field of study in between the semesters of the first year hoping to escape and start over, but as usual it failed. I know how overwhelming pressure can be.

        Well, not really to be honest.

      3. Ahhhh the allure of a clean slate. It don’t think it has ever worked for me in the past either. I recently watched a TED talk about anxiety and graded exposure, and while the new positive experiences can take hold.

        The old and not so helpful memories never go away.

        What is the main problem you find at uni?

      4. I struggle with that too, and I read that you are doing an english lit degree?

        My degree is a very general one, we have to pick a major but most of our subjects are various electives to give us a wide range of areas to study. I found this to be a problem when it came to even trying to make friends because I would rarely have the same classes as other people.

        Compared to some of the other people I knew who had a really structured program and they tended to have classes together all the time.

        Was this an issue with you?

      5. Yeah I know what you mean. I don’t really know how this works elsewhere but here we have to pick our classes so yeah if people you may appreciate are not in the same classes, it’s harder to reach out.

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