Running away from Honesty with Misery

It’s been my second week at university. A hard working and inquisitive student, the two first days have been built around me giving up. I have ran away, and you will quickly understand that this is my specialty. These fresh rough moments have had me recalling my first days as a freshman high schooler. They seemed full of opportunities and new beginnings. Three months later, I was going back to my former school. 

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‘Why leaving such a leading school?’

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Pressure. Grades dropping. Loneliness rising. Nevertheless, mostly because of the lacking shelter in an unknown territory. A place too wide. To this question, I mainly explained it was due to pressure when all I wanted was people to perceive the underlying meaning of such an ambiguous word. I couldn’t make any friends. I had given up. I was like a fish out of water. Plenty of other words could describe my feelings in precise terms. I was hiding from my parents and my sisters and my teachers and my classmates.

Returning back to this school didn’t make me benefit from a gain in relationships, although I made a few friendlier acquaintances. But they were not the problem, I was. I am. Luckily, I was more at ease in this narrow place, yet always feeling out of place. It was a field I knew, and my knowledge in each of the enigmatic rooms I was coming across provided me with an ounce of confidence. 

When I entered the place for the last time, holding my graduation diploma, I found myself with nostalgia. Sitting at my desk, reading my school report, I observed the manifestation of relief and hopes and dreams turning into tangible realities. Scared, as always, I was yet changing through positive and bright affirmations. 

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September 14th, 2015. One week left. Tension was at its highest and brief scenarios emerged from my mind. 

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Bells tolled. University had started. The strain rhythm of the Parisian subway evidently left me with a bitter feeling. The overwrought gestures surfaced. I felt disappointed by the lectures and subjects I had to follow, with the everlasting delusion of not being accepted to the initial course I was willing to pursue. Soon the crowded amphitheater and classrooms seemed to make all other anxious thought vanish. As the first days went unexpectedly well, the uneasiness swiftly became inevitable and oppressive. The subway was shattering my mindfulness. It was a dreadful way to start off the day.

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The deafening thoughts are spellbinding. They are thunderous and unescapable. Was loneliness ever the cause? It makes me wonder since all I seem to wait for now is aloneness

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Week two of uni. — Monday and Tuesday have been terrible. Mentally sickening. I have been avoiding the few people I know. I feel like I’m fighting against the whole world. Everyone is a fierce adversary. I’m the weakest, the weirdest, the friendless. Side note to anyone daring to sit next to me whilst a bunch of free and spacious seats still remain: sorry I’m no fun to be around, sorry you’re not going to have an interesting talk with me (a.k.a. the quiet boring girl in class) and most of all, I’m sorry you thought you would.

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I have found some relief in sleep, between music and moleskine notebooks. Whilst in class, my mind is shut down. The independence given by the university system has urged me to cut two entire afternoons of classes. As I couldn’t find any way to handle discomfort and to cope with the pain, I found myself wandering through streets. For about an hour, I was getting lost somewhere I did not know. Getting lost as my mind was. I ran away.

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I ran away the same way I did three months ago as the final high school bell had rung.

Running away from this huge amphitheater where all I can seize is the gaze of others upon me. 

Running away from my lifeda3bab12535dac3546620b930c9fb525

Running away from myself.

Running away from acceptance

Running away from the truth

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Running away from honesty

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6 thoughts on “Running away from Honesty with Misery

  1. Wow, Giulia! Your writing is so powerful, honest, and amazing. I’m in love with it!

    But, what I don’t like is actually what I read. Here, on your blog, I see you like a beautiful, interesting and incredibly smart girl. I think (new) people don’t see it because you label yourself as that boring girl, and you don’t let others see all of your qualities. I am not the most outgoing person, either, but I try. I mean, just put a smile on your face and if someone approaches say: “Hi!” and smile. I hate that awkward moment when I meet someone and I don’t know what to say, but then I remember some stupid topics such as weather, class, etc. and the conversation gets going.

    I didn’t mean this to be a long, advising comment (sorry!), but after reading this post I had a feeling that you are unhappy. And, I don’t know you (personally), but I do not want you to be unhappy! So, tomorrow, work on being happy instead on focusing on the sad things. May be hard, but, do it!

    Btw, tomorrow is my first day of college. I am excited and a bit terrified because I know like one person. 😦 But, still not going to run away from it. 😛

    1. Oh my god, this is one of the best comments I’ve ever received! It really touches me to read your so very kind words. I couldn’t be more grateful to you!

      I hope your first day goes well, but I’m sure it will!

      Thank you from the very bottom of my heart for your wholehearted message.

      Giulia xxx

  2. I have avoided people and things due to my Anxiety Disorder. I agree with the above person you are a good person with tons of great qualities and an excellent way of expressing yourself through writing.This is just the start of college you will make friends. You deserve to have happiness like everyone and will get it. So do your writing and other things you enjoy. College isn’t a walk in the park try to take it easy and enjoy yourself.

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