« Giulia, tonight has been a rough night. It has been a harsh day too. You’ve been raised with fulfilling hopes and refreshing laughters and thus the fall is harder. No miracles happened today.
“Grey Street” is now an on-repeat song. And the colors mix together.
This never is easy, though you keep wishing for it to be.
You fought with your mother and sister tonight. You blew up. And it was intense.
However, tomorrow the expressed anger will be gone. You won’t feel the need to yell at somebody anymore. You will bottle it up again. You will forget how much you needed someone to hear your screaming inside and to take you in their arms the previous night. You will let your emotions try to drown you. And above all, you will stand. Standing up. Standing high. After a few jokes or some insignificant comments, you will laugh. The pain will be gone for a few instants right before it fires back at you with some sentence spoken in class that will remind you of some events (related to you in any way possible though only you will draw a comparison). You’re going to feel heavy. And then empty. You will want to burst into tears. You will try to find a trigger. Nevertheless, you’re going to be as afraid as you are now of unveiling your true self. Scared to let people see you shedding one single tear.
You will probably look at yourself in the mirror, thinking you’re worth it. You might be as well reminded of your mother’s comment on you being egotistical and constantly pulling others down. Some tears may fall down your face, but they’ll soon be erased.
You’ll keep silent while waiting to enter the classroom.
Tomorrow you will feel the same. No more intelligent than you are today, no less either. Overwhelmed, empty. Happy, sad. Optimistic, pessimistic. Hopeful, hopeless.
You will feel like you’re a bunch of contradictions mixed up together to make a real mess. In the end, you are nothing. Some lifeless teenage girl writing to herself some words that won’t change anything as you already know them.
There are the days when you’re high up and these other ones you’re completely down. There is nothing to do about it despite your will to share your pain. Someone may come… someday.
For now, you’re building up yourself. You’re probably not close to an arrival but hope is still here. There’s a light in you. And your smiles and laughters might be fake for now but they still do light up others’ day. Repeating positive and motivational quotes might not work but there are plenty other ways to work it out. There’s so much light ahead of you that I can see it from here! (Positive side active)
I believe. I believe. I believe. I believe. I believe. I F%%%%%% BELIEVE.
This is a new day. You’re probably not going to feel any different than any other day of the week even after spending an hour writing this piece. You’ll be the very same Giulia that some like, others don’t and most of people ignore. Do not create any other delusion than you already have seen falling apart. These delusions made you feel that much torn apart.
I f%%%%%% need to be fixed. I am a broken toy.
Believe in salvation. Believe in prevail.
The road is long, tough, with many tops to climb up. You can already see it’s worth the ride.
Keep feeling anxious, jealous, envious, happy, sad. These are human feelings.
Your eyes still ache. Your mind is tired. You want to break it up. But you will endure and overcome just another day.
You will be alive. You will stay alive. You will survive.