It’s been quite chaotic in my mind lately — crumbling thoughts, grizzled wishes, same old goals which didn’t get anywhere else out of my head. I went through intervals of denial, unforeseen joy, ultimate sadness. To sum up, that’s approximately what I felt these past five months. An emotional roller coaster. I sought for help anywhere I could. Always trying to make even the slightest approach. There have been repetitive failed attempts. I kept motivation and inspiration in mind though. It’s been no success either. I have been lacking a shelter — and such thought always put me back in denial, my comfort zone evidently. Looking for new directions, new people to follow, find the way I always needed.
All this time, I have been an audience to my own life. Not an actor, a puppet. Inevitably trying to respect some mantras. Day by day another goal was set. The main one, expressing emotions, letting them all out. The holy grail. After years submerged by each ounce of pain and happiness I ever felt.
Someone sort of popped into my life recently and urged me: “Definitely DO something. Anything. If you put your mind to anything for a solid 6 months, you’ll be a pro at it. Be a pro at a new language, or a sport, or an author or band. Whatever you like. Be an expert in it. Don’t think too much about how others feel, but about how you can make yourself feel content, accepted and comfortable with yourself.” It took my breath away. Should they know everything about me? What should I say after all that time? Has it all been a waste? Is it still worth it today? It first seemed improper to me. I have been trying to please myself as much as I could all this time. At least that’s what I think. I have almost never taken in consideration what could people think of me. And I am tired of that. Because I do want their opinion. I do want to try and fulfill their desires. Oh, I certainly do.
But maybe, I have been wrong. I haven’t looked after my own self enough. I’ve just been the ghost of their lives, the ghost of my life. I have to lift up my self esteem. I deserve it. Just as you and as them. How did I secure myself? On my own. And that may be the way I’ll strengthen myself and grow up. Still on my own. Although I always thought I couldn’t without anybody by my side. I will.
It might not be tomorrow morning, nor next week but I am willing to take a new step. Move forward. Come closer to it.
And maybe — just maybe, I’ll reach my holy grail someday.